Queries: Advice from a dyke - Romance and relationships
Welcome to Queeries! This is an LGBTQ advice column to answer questions about love, life, school, friends, family, the queer community, and everything LGBTQ+.
Welcome to the 💕✨romance✨💕 edition of Queeries! This is the series where I, Hannah, answer your questions about love, life, school, friends, family, the queer community, and everything in between. Am I an expert on everything who has their life together? No… Do I love to tell other people what to do? Absolutely!
In honor of Valentine’s Day, this month we’re talking about love, relationships, and dating! I know Valentine’s Day was last week, but I have a very full schedule and y’all have A LOT of dating and romance related questions, so they took a while to sort through.
*Please note that a username featured in this article contains a slur that some people may find offensive.
*Questions may be edited for clarity or length
Daisy (she/her, age 16, England) asks:
How to tell if I have a crush on a girl and how to know when to go for it and tell her!
Sometimes the line between liking someone as a friend and liking them romantically can be blurry. You might not know if you like someone as more than a friend until you spend more time together. But remember, it’s okay to go at your own pace—spend time with this person as friends and think things over.Once you’ve figured out if you like them romantically, honesty is the best policy, as they say.
When you like someone, the thought of telling them can be scary because it puts you in a vulnerable spot. What if you put yourself out there and they turn you down? No one wants to be rejected; but, if you never tell them, there’s never going to be an opportunity for them to say yes. If they like you back, that’s amazing and exciting and if they don’t, that’s okay too. It might sting for a while, but ultimately you want to be with someone who is just as into you as you are into them.
Sam (she/her, he/him, they/them, Asia) asks:
The girl I like doesn’t like me back. This is the second time I’ve liked someone, and they don't like me. What do I do? Do I need to change my personality for someone to like me?
Maybe this will suck to hear, but sometimes people won’t like you back and there’s not really anything you can do about it. It definitely hurts to get rejected, but that’s part of the human experience. Trying to change yourself for someone else will probably just make you unhappy in the long run because you’re not living as your authentic self. It’s better to wait it out and find someone who likes you for you. In the meantime, focus on self-care, find a hobby, vibe, etc.
Faglord2000 (they/them) asks:
Is farting on the second date a bad sign?
Riii (any pronouns) asks:
Okay so I have conservative parents and they, especially my mom, are very homophobic and they found out that I started dating my best friend who's a girl a few months ago. It was a very bad nightmare tbh, and now I’m lying to her by saying we stopped dating, but we still are dating. So, my question is what should I do, and how can I make a comfortable environment so that my parents accept me for who I am and who I love?
It sounds like you are in quite the pickle. Dealing with homophobic parents isn’t easy and it can feel really overwhelming. First, remember that your safety (and your partner’s safety) comes first. As much as you want your parents to be accepting of you and your partner, make sure you’re in a safe environment to have these kinds of conversations with your family. If you think there is any risk of harm, it might be better to wait or to just not tell them.
Remember that no matter your mom’s response, your sexuality is still valid; and you are worthy and deserving of love, respect, and safety. People’s reactions are more of a reflection of themselves and their own fears than of their opinions of you as a person.
Hopefully, with time, your mom will come around and be more open to having a conversation. If she is, resources like PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) can be a helpful source of information and support group for parents.
Sometimes, people are stuck in their ways, and she might never change her mind. If that’s the case, it’s okay to be sad and to grieve for this relationship. How the two of you interact moving forward might be different, but you can choose what this relationship looks like. If you want to keep your relationship secret to maintain the relationship with your mom, that’s totally okay. If you’re not interested in having someone in your life who doesn’t support you and your partner that’s also okay; and there are many options in between that are available to you too. It’s just about figuring out what kind of dynamic is safest and best for you and your family.
This concludes the special romance edition of Queeries. I’d like to wish you all a fabulous belated Valentines Day and remind you that, as always, I’m a person writing an advice column in my bedroom, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. If you need real advice or help, I encourage you to speak with someone more qualified than me.
For queer specific mental health services, check out the following resources:
Trans Lifeline - 877-565-8860 (U.S.), 870-330-6366 (Canada)
PFLAG - The nation's largest family and ally organization.